It be like that sometimes 😆
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
good for her
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*