Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils