Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
can’t talk my ride’s here
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.