DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m giving up for Lent.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either