WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies