as is their right
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My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
*puts cutlery down*
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet