You Might Also Like
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
2023 was just a warmup
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids