ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Money is the root of all wealth
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.