They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You Might Also Like
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
can’t catch a break
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.