[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I feel seen
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“What movie?” 🤔
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
and this one
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?