Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.