An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
my dad has had enough
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.