My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*