St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?