Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
the three branches of government
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree