Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.