CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
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A ghost story
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.