What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.