Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’ve had relationships like this
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”