He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
im all 3
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE