Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
marvel comics have peaked
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.