Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Don’t we all.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?