[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
You Might Also Like
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Google assistant rules
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My life coach traded me.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
sir, my pâté if you please
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.