Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*