The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
i love meeting boys on tinder
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.