Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
You Might Also Like
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Canadian owl: Eh?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no