I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.