My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Smells like a challenge to me
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.