The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!