Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
You Might Also Like
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no