*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”