me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.