*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.