Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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Merica.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole