commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Merry Christmas
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.