Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol