I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*