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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Hit me in the face with a bird
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Sending in my taxes
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.