You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
found my next D&D character name
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio