The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I’d love this…lol
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.