[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off