I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.