At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
(Gaming support cat.)
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me, in DM rooms…
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.