we’re dead?
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
repaired
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.