Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre