Never forget.
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.