My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.