My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh