And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
necessity is the mother of invention
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.