My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
How did we not see this back then?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.